his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize