found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
