I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
