i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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