I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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