They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
