John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You made out with two different species that night
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
