My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
