i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
