evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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