they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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