mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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