remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
