Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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