Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
