3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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