She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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