i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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