I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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