eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
