I'm gonna have a badass scar
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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