Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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