can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
