Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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