i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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