And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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