How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
