It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
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