the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize