God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
