once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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