I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
