I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you didnt know i had herpes?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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