Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
