It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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