my being single is dangerous.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
