Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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