last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
