after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
