so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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