new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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