after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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