Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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