guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
