I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
