just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
