Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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