Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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