So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
