no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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