and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
