I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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