I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize