I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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