i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
this is an emotional support booty call
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
