I heard we made out
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize